Something I read today that I needed to share

Ahem.
When I was 14, I dated this girl who was 15. She lived down the street from me and I used to always go over to her house. She lived with her mother who was just getting out of a marriage. She and I had talked about losing our virginity to one another on several occasions but had just never really had the opportunity. There was a party planned at my friends house on a particular Saturday and we decided to do it there. I made my older brother go and buy me condoms, I trimmed the garden, and was ready.
During the day on Saturday, I was over at her mom's house mowing her yard. It was something I did often in my neighborhood to make a little extra cash, and since it was a BYOB thing the guy who bought the booze always charged extra.
Now, just to clarify. Her mother was a pretty woman. She was probably around 35-40 at the time all this was going on. She would make advances towards me that, now looking back on it, I can't believe I was too oblivious to pick up on. We'd be riding in the car and she'd say things to her daughter like, "You know (my name), you're really cute and my daughter is lucky to have such a great looking, nice guy." At the time, I didn't think anything about it. It didn't make me uncomfortable and I thought it was no big deal.
Well, it was around 5:00 in the afternoon (I think) and I learned that the guy who was purchasing the alcohol wasn't going to make it. So, I had just finished up mowing her yard when I called and found all of this out. I asked her mom if she would go and get me alcohol (she was cool like that, but I had never asked because I didn't want her telling my parents). She said sure, but that I'd need to ride with her and that she didn't want me telling Kelsey (the daughter whose virginity I was going to take that night).
So, we get into the car and she starts talking to me about where I was sexually. I told her that I was a virgin and that I was just waiting to meet the right person. I of course didn't want to mention that I was about to take her daughter's virginity at the party that night. She went in and got me some alcohol. Honestly, at that time, the Smirnoff wine coolers were stupidly popular and that's all we ever drank. She came out with two six-packs of that and a fifth of Jack. I asked her who the Jack was for and she said for her. She gave me the bottle and told me to take a drink. I took about four huge gulps and almost immediately became buzzed. (I was a small kid - 5'10, about 120 pounds at the time). So, she starts driving around, I'm sipping on one of the Smirnoff's and we're talking. She tells me how attractive she thinks I am and that she wishes she had met someone like me when she was her daughters age. Out of nowhere, she pulls in to the parking lot of this hotel, leans over and we start making out.
Now, at the time, I had definitely had a few rub fantasies about her mom. I'm quite certain I'm not alone when I say that those are the fantasies you choke your chicken over and then feel dirty afterward because you're brought up to be normal and not sexually deviant.
She asks me if I want to get a room. I was drunk at this point and asked her for what. She basically tells me, and I'm paraphrasing, "I want to feel you inside of me."
We get the room. Go inside, and I was drunk enough to screw her brains out off and on for about 30 or so minutes. I finish, and she tells me that she needs to get me back to the house so that I can go to the party. So she drops me off at my house and I take my alcohol inside, throw on a fresh pair of clothes (didn't shower) and my brother and I go over to the friends house for the party (it was probably around 7 or 8).
It's about 10 o'clock and I'm completely loaded. Me and Kelsey go back into one of the back bedrooms.. hop on the good foot and do the bad thing. Afterward, she's telling me how great it was that we waited to do it with each other.
I realized that I hadn't showered nor cleaned up, so I technically was inside of her with her mother's love juice wrapped around my bratwurst.
Needless to say, I felt like a huge asshole for years after that. And, of course, I never told Kelsey and me and her mom never hooked up again.

I lost my virginity to my girlfriends mother and then took her virginity the very same night. Oh, and I'm an asshole. 

My Eyes Are The Color Amber Making Everything Look Like How It Is With Sunglasses

I love chocolate and cute stuff. My wife wears a bath robe after she takes a shower. I call it a teddy bear costume because it's pink and fluffy and when I hug her it's like I'm hugging a teddy bear. She says it's not a teddy bear costume but I'm pretty sure it is. My mind has been racing in my own head recently. I've been mapping out my whole day, day to day very intricately. Every choice I make holds as much gravity as the next. And I try to make each choice extremely valuable. I've tried to incorporate inspiration into my life and ever since there has been a definite difference in my happiness.  Happiness is a funny thing because happiness appears in so many different ways.  I often find myself trying to encapsulate and extraordinary amount of information at once such as, a woman who holds her baby's finger after giving birth, then the eyes through the baby sticking out its finger feeling the weird confines of it's own skin all the while the cold air is permeating it...the doctor who delivered the baby goes to the locker room and removes their OR scrubs and has the best shower, then imagine every single life that doctor has help bring into this world and every single mother who has grabbed their baby's finger, then I imagine the babies grow and one goes to college then becomes a professor who's greatest happiness is a student who finally gets his dissertation, another baby grows and lives a life free of credit cards and any kind of monetary substance then moves to the forest and makes their own shelter living off the land, then I relate it all back to me and how every college graduate who doesn't go into an internship with no job that relates to their field of study has had some kind of on going existential crisis in a monotonous depressed like state in a wheel like a hamster, then I imagine busting out of my rat cage into a place where I can be present in this life happy with no excuses. That's my motto as of recent: no excuses. A sudden shift in my thoughts, choices, and action...living a life of inspiration, love, and relaxation have made the "now" in my life a success. They say success means something different to each person. I can't stop thinking about that.  Am I happy? I am extremely happy.

I can only remember farting 2 times today...

Being the person people want you to be
Eating whenever you feel like
Tricking yourself to thinking, work is a good life choice
Using the internet to learn anything
reading lips, picking locks, fly a plane, ride a shark, punch a gorrilla, grow your own midget
Watch things fight
Scorpion vs Tarrantula, cat vs snake, baby vs snake
Take regular showers
Wash dishes immediately after use
Opens windows for fresh air
Burning the heart off your sleeve and rubbing the ashes into your eyes
Corrode the white clouds on your insides
Breathe in positive color air, breath out black tarnished air
Eyes turn into velvet, smoothing your world
Crying only necessary when yawning
Becoming conscious of your own consciousness
Heavy head droopy eyes black tongue
Comfy feet, clean socks, mouth wash
IF only there were a way to be completely satisfied with the present without thinking about being anything
Where I am is where I want to be
I live a life of temporary regrets anything after that I forget but not on purpose
It's easier to save a fly than to kill it. Why put in the effort to destroy
What is crushed red velvet?
Frozen Smashed colored fabric???
What's the difference between coincidence and fate?
In the grand scheme of my life what would be most productive of my being?
What if I was a different animal how would I feel and think?
My life is composed of I likes...
I like this so I this. I like to consume this so I buy this. I like to this so I go and do this.
I like that and wish I could do that. I like that and one day I will have that.
I don't like where i'm at at so i'll be somewhere I like instead
Why can't my life be composed of I dominate in...
I dominate in this so I do this. I dominate doing that so I do that.
I dominate this I dominate that I dominate a habitat
I. I. I. me. me. me.
MY CAR! MY ROOM! MY LAPTOP! MY CLOTHES! MY FOOD! MY STUFF! MY BLOG. MY WEBSITE! MY PROFILE! MY BANK ACCOUNT! MY INSURANCE! MY LOVE LIFE! MY FRIENDS! MY WORLD! ME! ME! ME!
your feelings, your happiness, your smile, your wealth, your hunger, your stuff, your blog, your website, your profile, your bank account, your insurance, your love life, your friends your world, ME! ME! ME!
I don't always tell stories to boast about myself. Only 65% of the time and when I do. I am immediately annoyed after but too embarrassed to mention anything and too late to do anything different.
Sleep, dream, expand my mind.
Looking forward to this life of possibilities
I drink the light
I am the light
my soft lips are slightly cold and subtly wet.
my nipples are like the tassels i will put on them.
time to party in my ridiculous nature
in the infatuation hindered in duality to peculiar beginnings of an ancient violin that plays itself with this heart
means absolutely nothing.

My play opened tonight

Sitting back stage, depressed, jaded, looking down on younger actors
embarrassed & ashamed by the art I had created myself, feels much like the moment before you die
my lungs arent giving me any oxygen
the mc reads my jokes, audience goes into a laughing frenzy
play starts, the audience is silent
dialog starts the audience starts barking laughter
I enter on stage audience wont shut up laughing
3 men dance to shakira, once again thank you audience
play ends, bow, leave. hug cast members, feeling nice,
jaimeson on the rocks in a hotel bar
come back to see audience during festival intermission
get nice compliments, "your show is the funniest show alive theatre has ever done."
leave, arrive at home, wash up, eat a twinkie, drink a coke zero
write a blog

Things that matter

This morning I pooped. Felt gooooood.